Wanted: Mr. Partner in Crime

I was saving this post for Valentine’s Day because I highly doubt that anything in my romance department will change from here until February 14th. HA-HA.

But because I have this amazing knack for forgetting things, I decided to go ahead and publish this post today. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the “Partner in Crime: Wanted” post:

Partner in Crime
amiable agreement / coercion / blackmailing a male friend to...

Admittedly, this idea has crossed my mind more times than I would care to count AND admit: To ease my parents’ and my siblings’ minds and soothe their fears that I am hopelessly maladjusted in the art of romance and relationship, I decided to refer to the following:

  1. Sweet talk or coerce or blackmail a male friend to pose as my boyfriend.
  2. This agreement needs to be properly documented, either written or in video.
  3. The agreement will run for six months or less. Why six months? It’s just the right length of time. See the following points below.
  4. He will participate in simulating the courtship period. Read: He WILL step into our house and get introduced to my parents as someone I am currently but not officially dating.
  5. This is where the line is drawn: The moment he steps out of the house, we can part ways. He can go to the bar or to a friend’s house and I will go to… well, somewhere else. Point is, the moment we are both out of my parents’ view, we can resume our normal lives. Par-tay! Yay!
  6. On the third or fourth month of our relationship, when we are now officially dating, he will join my family on occasions. He will commiserate with me as my family cracks corny jokes, shout talk to each other as if there are thousands of miles keeping us apart and yes. He will be subjected to conversing with my dad about any of the following topics: history, religion, current events, religion, the good old days, religion, alcohol, and did I mention religion?
  7. We WILL go out on dates three to four times per week. Four is pushing it. I don’t want my family to get attached to the idea that I am dating him.
  8. When I say “date” or “go out” it simply means he will pick me up at my house, say hello and converse with any present family member, we step out of the house, and then go our merry, separate ways. (See number five for reference.)
  9. On the sixth month, we break up. And because I am big-hearted and all kinds of nice, I can magnanimously say that I broke up with him because I realized he is too good for me or because I need time and space and my decision has absolutely nothing to do with him, that it’s me, not him. (Sounds familiar, ex-boyfriends?)
  10. Mission accomplished.

Yeah, okay. I am willing to pay for this. On an hourly rate, since all he has to do is show up at my house on occasions. Well, that and try to at least look decent and pass off as a human being. One who will make my family’s jaw drop and their first reaction would be, “Holy crap. I can’t believe he’s dating her.” And when they say that, I should feel offended and lower than low.

image source: fatniu